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Inspired or Dishearten

It has been way to long since the last time I posted anything on here... a long time in general since i was able to write down anything virtually or otherwise. So much has changed... I guess that old saying is true " The more things change, the more they stay them same." I've always felt that its a really stupid thing to say and think but lately I've been finding myself thinking that. So a recap of the years gone by; I got cancer, that went into remission,  decided to reconcile with my ex bestie "J", finished University, became NEET for about 1.5yrs. until after so much struggle i finally landed my first "real" career making job. in all that time a couple of guys have come and gone, but after all that here I am suddenly feeling like I'm back to where i was all those years ago when I first started college, except well things dont seem as hopeful maybe I'm just not as naive. I've lost my  best friend, i'm still single and I've isolated myself from almost everyone except my family and even they are kept at arms length. I dont know how to overcome this and how to change. I have changed so much, but I still feel like that lost 16 year old i was over 12 yrs ago. Set to turn 28 in less than a month, and still feeling like a teenager. I gave up so many dreams, because I was unwilling to fail and although I'm happy inspite of how it sounds I am happy, but I feel like ive reach a point of stagnation in personal growth as a human and I dont want that, I want to keep growing as a person. I know i always say I dont want to get married or have kids, but to be honest I do want to get married I want to meet my soul mate but I'm so scared of commitment and  getting my heart broken again that its so hard. Dont even get me started on hardly ever getting asked out. Ahh~ honestly i should probably be working but its a slow day today and I can afford the break, more like word vomit that it is lol.  non-chorent thoughts and & feelings....word vomit indeed. Nio one reads this but still I could really use some advise, how can I start to better myself? where do I meet a decent guy who doesnt want to just get in my pants ahhh the struggle.....Another thing I finally accomplished after all these years, I got so mad at work because I try to be friendsly and open and nice even if I'm having a shit day, and just because I'm nice doesnt mean my co-worker bitch that doesn't like me can come treat my like shit, it made me so mad and it used to bother me a lot more and other than getting pissed and feeling awkward around her until she decides to be nice to me i just ignored her, after all these years I was finally able to actually not give a crap. I pretended before but this time I actually didnt and it felt amazing  so much stress just disappeared. I guess losing my best friend.....almost 8 months since we last spoke....was good for something I finally learned somethings just arent worth the time and effort.

-Cyn <3